How fast can chuck norris run

Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing. Most people fear the Reaper. Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. Chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

T pities the fool. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground. Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off. Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris. No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.

Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean. Nobody does not like Sara Lee. Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts. Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken. On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun. On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life.

Chuck Norris then roundhouse-kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back. One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. SAY IT! He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph.

The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself. One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist. One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio. Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time. Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public. People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris … Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.

People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply … Chuck Norris. Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse-kick to the face. Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code … a suicide. President Roosevelt once rode his horse miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time. Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state.

If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse-kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk. A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark. Remember the Soviet Union? Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.

Rules of fighting: 1 do not bring a knife to a gun fight. Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

Science Fact: roundhouse-kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium. This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time. This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier. Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal. Since , the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13, percent.

Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs.

Hence, snakes. Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindness, and possibly foot sized bruises on the face.

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys. Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish. The Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime. The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.

The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch. The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. This is not a coincidence. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian. The dot-com bubble burst because Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked it in the face. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher. The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed … unless it meets Chuck Norris. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

It failed miserably. The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse-kicks a second. The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse-kick?

No one knows because dead men tell no tales. The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris roundhouse-kick. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself … The only thing fear has to fear is Chuck Norris. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction.

No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long. Starring Chuck Norris. The pen is mightier than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris. This never proved to be the case. The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage. Chuck Norris hates to sweat. The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy! The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris.

There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris. There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on. There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who have never met Chuck Norris..

There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks. There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma. There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris. There are two types of people in the world … people that suck, and Chuck Norris. There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris is always in control. There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris. There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live. They say curiosity killed the cat.

This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them. They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice.

Niether does Chuck Norris. He does not have to. In The Library. Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode. Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its descendants now have white hair.

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris. TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion. To be or not to be? That is the question.

The answer? Chuck Norris. Two wrongs do not make a right. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse-kick to the face. Water boils faster when Chuck Norris watches it. We all know the magic word is please. We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris. What many people do not know is Chuck Norris is the founder of planned parenthood. Not even unborn children can escape his wrath.

His shoe. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris. This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life. When Chuck Norris calls numbers, he does not get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out. When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders. When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris does not get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris found this web-site while surfing the Internet, he roundhouse-kicked his computer … 10 new facts were added instantly including this one.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket. When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul. When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he does not have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money. It will be because he has run out of women.

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he does not walk around people. He walks through them. When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.

When Chuck Norris laughs too hard while drinking milk, he accidently shits a cow. When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes. When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse-kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back.

He always makes it to Oregon before you. You may experience issues registering or using other parts of the website. Please enable JavaScript if possible. Refund Policy Sign Up.

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Texas is leading the charge so far! Space is limited so hurry and sign up today! Sign up today as space is limited! Chuck invites you to join him in this officially licensed virtual challenge. Select basic ads. Create a personalised ads profile. Select personalised ads.

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The building instantly exploded, because that much raw awesome cannot be contained in one building. When tax time comes, Chuck Norris returns blank forms and a piture of himself crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes. The Sherman tank was origionally going to be called the Norris tank. Chuck Norris was displeased by this, saying that it was not awesome enough to be associated with him.

The Army, fearing Chuck Norris, changed the name and promised to make a more fitting weapon. To date, no such weapon has been made. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, smells like chicken and feels like chicken, but Chuck says it's beef, it's beef.

He figured out how to divide by zero. If you ask him what it is, he will say "I will show you in Chuck Norris can kill Grue's. When he was a baby, Chuck Norris did his first roundhouse kick.

This spot is now known as the grand canyon. You know the movie Alien vs Predator? Chuck Norris once ate a 72oz. Chuck Norris can run so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of his head. Chuck Norris does not call the wrong number, and those foolish enough to try telling him otherwise now have extensive medical records.

Once, while having sex in a tractor trailor, some of Chuck Norris' sperm got in the engine. We now call this vehicle Optimus Prime.

They wanted to put Chuck Norris on Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn't tough enough for his beard. Once aliens tried to abduct Chuck Norris. The conspiracy theory is that the bodies and the debris are stored at Area Chuck Norris walks through a wasteland when he sees Mr. T flying at him and their fists collide making an explosion the size of the the moon. Both get up, Mr. T puts on brass knuckles says"I Pity the Fool" and punches but chuck Norris deflects it with his awesomeness.

Chuck then uppercuts Mr. T with his beard fist, launching him 80 feet in the air. Deadliest Jokes Wiki Explore. Wiki Content. Muddy Waters.